Friday, April 2, 2010

Rainy Day....Hard Times.....

This morning there is a tingling energy outside. There is a cold front passing through and the energy is present in the sound, the light wagging of the twigs on the trees, the spin of the wind scupture outside my window. Yesterday the sun was out all day, and the golden warmth was such a needed thing for me. I sat by the window in the library, the kids quietly worked on their school work, and I read....and read....and read....and escaped. It was wonderful.

My dad is having a serious health crisis and I am wrestling with a terrible, pending sense of loss, despite the fact that we might not lose him. Dad is a retired physician, and around him is a swarm of doctors, some are friends and some are newer doctors, who are all on "It". "It" being a staph infection that has spread around his sacroiliac joint and lower back, setting up pockets of infection, destroying tissue, and making him horrifically ill. "It" has gone septic. The agonizing pain of the abscesses has been chased by powerful pain medications rendering him 'senseless', somewhat unresponsive. He has eaten so little in this long illness (over a month), that he is weak. He lays now, intubated, in ICU with more surgery to come. Among the Scary Things....will he emerge from the 'stupor' he is in? He has had a head to toe MRI, as his many doctors search for a possible stroke or brain bleed, while also searching for more of the rampant Staph Terrorist Cells that are setting up camp who knows where? The MRI showed no stroke, but what about the no speech situation? It's very distressing. There's a name for the issue of no speech/low responsiveness--'metabolic encephalopathy'. It's like a crowd of toxins/medications trying file out.....on a dirt trail.

The rain is beginning and it is cold outside. I know we need the rain. The lakes and reservoirs need to fill for the dry, summer months ahead. But I loved that sun yesterday. Still, I will try to embrace this rain, try to see the need for it, and will choose to move, hopeful, into another day.